5 Things I didn't learn at art school

It's been a fair while now since I graduated from Art school, it was my childhood dream to attend I had studied art for as long as I had been at an education institution so I kinda know a thing or two about Art and being an Artist. 

Art school is a place of artistic experimentation, freedom and creativity but I walked away with my degree pretty deflated in one hand I gained an ok grade but in the other no real sense I had learned anything new. I often receive emails from students who are currently studying asking me for hints and tips about freelance life and how I got to where I am. I make no bones about my work, style and life, I'm an open book often when it comes to these things. I did study fine art at Falmouth University and did my foundation at Camberwell and as much as these are institutions that produce some of the top artist I did find myself questioning my life choice. Now looking back If I had the choice now I don't think I would of studied fine art, I loved it, loved the friendships I made, adored the fact I could have my own studio space and work but in the end I never felt like I learnt much from doing the 3 year course. Fear not there were some positives and I believe we do things in life for a reason if I hadn't gone I wouldn't of met my ex and I wouldn't of started this blog but I may have discovered something just as rewarding on my other path but who knows hey?!

I wanted to share my thoughts on the things I didn't learn at art school, this is from my experience and I can only speak for myself 

1. How Market yourself well

Studying for my fine art degree especially at Falmouth was very insular we were never directed on how to Market what we were doing, I understand with fine art it's very old school and being a tortured artist is great an all but when I leave I want to keep working, making and earning a living from my art. We were never truly advised on this.

2. How to draw 

Now don't get me wrong I turned up with a knowledge on how to draw but my idea of learning about art was how to learn more about techniques my naive self thought I would be shown these wonderful ways to use watercolours, oils but alas nope. 

3. To have confidence your my work

When I turned up to do my degree I had no idea what I was doing, if I was good enough. My lectures never really instilled in us a sort of confidence with our studio work. Now I am never the confident type and but my confidence in the art work was at an all time low when I was at uni because you're surrounded by super talented people and just expected to keep producing top notch work with no really boost to what you're doing. 

4. Creating a professional portfolio

During my time at uni I created over 150 sketchbook, large canvases and other mix media items, did I had any idea what to put in my portfolio? no not really, and if I'm honest I didn't use a single piece of art work created at uni in my professional portfolio I came away feeling like a failure and wanted to start a fresh. 

5. How to make a living from your art work 

This for me was my biggest disgruntle maybe it was just my uni course, but we were never directed in the way of exhibitions, contacting galleries and negotiating the art world. It was just never talked about, there were not functional style skills with the course I joined, I spoke to my illustration and graphic design house mates who had been given the low down and were offered work placements on their course. 

Look back now to a decade ago when I first started my degree, I was naive I wanted to live by the sea, as far from London as I could get, I wasn't looking to my future as an artist and in that respect it was my fault but often we don't figure out our path until a lot later on through sheer hard work, determination, stubbornness and failure do we really know how to make being an artist work for us. 

Now people will look at that list and go Ella really you should of just discovered those things yourself, should I of? if I am paying an institution who has told me I am good enough to gain a place on their course not give me something back? maybe things have changed and other peoples courses were better but I can only speak from my experience when at 16-18 we are told to make a choice that could effect the rest of our lives its tough to make an informed and right choice. But I have learned all these 5 things off the back of going to art school. I learned them in spite of my degree and even though I loved studying I was left with a very bitter sweet taste when I finally graduated with no support network when I came back to London three years of art school under my belt and this wide expanse facing me, you have to learn to navigate yourself. 

Art school is what you make of it, it gave me three wonderful years of working alongside my best friend in a studio, it taught me what I didn't want to be as an artist and it also taught me that the art world can be very cut throat but everything in life has its pros and cons. Just make sure that no matter what you do in life you work hard -  thats really all that art school taught me. 

The realities of loss

September for me is hard old month, it's really a month I wish to pass through unscathed. Often I talk about my mum on here, on my Instagram and in person, it's been a pretty tough learning curve and an experience that I went through that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You don't expect to lose a loved one in such an abrupt way. You got to bed one night then wake up the next morning having to resuscitate your dying mum. Long and the short of it thats pretty much what happened. I often receive a lot of Instagram messages and emails from young people that have had a recent loss in the family and often people say to me how hard it must be, how brave I am and how they admire my courage to talk so candidly about the death of someone so close to me. I was born into a family thats pretty hard nosed, raised by both parents that would tell you to just get up and carry on if you fell over, don't cry over spilt milk, and being one of five kids it wasn't a pampered wrap the children in cotton wool environment. So I faced my mother death with a sort of practical mind set. Don't get me wrong I often cry my eyes out until I bore myself and just crack on with whatever I have to do. In the spaces of those two years since I lost my Mum it feels like a million things have changed but at the same time like nothing has happened at all. I have hurled many things I felt I couldn't do without her by my side, exhibition, craft fair, relationship advice, learning to drive. 

When you're faced with such a shit situation you have no choice but to face things head on. I'm a mix of realist and a dreamer and thats an odd thing to be. As I faced my life at 27 without the comfort of my mother I decided from that day that I would do my best to make the most of things. Now I'm not big on the old travel front, I love seeing the world if I get the chance but for me, I want to enjoy all the things that life throws at me and when she died I had the mindset of throwing all the caution to the winding and living everyday as if it was my last, but I found that inevitably I became a tad self absorbed and lonely. None of my friends had faced such an earth shatteringly shit thing like the death of a parent, nothing that close had happen to them and selfishly the more I dwelled on this fact the more I pushed my friends away and in turn the less my friends could relate to me. I found it a very hard balance to strike. I became pretty hard on myself and my agoraphobia kicked in pretty hard. Now I wouldn't want to hang out with a bitter, depressed agoraphobic friend, I just sadly probably wouldn't so I decided that as much as I wanted to seize the day it just wasn't in my nature. So thats when I realised if I made small conscious everyday decisions eventually my life and mind set would at least in the tiniest part be better then it was the previous day.  These choices to other people would probably appear insignificant but to anyone in the depths of depression mourning their loved one felt like triumphant leaps. I would make a mini to do list for the day, that may just involve texting a friend back, (which I am currently failing at) eating three meals a day (I lost an extra two stone after mum died) painting one commission a day. When you feel that your life has come a tad isolated having structure is the way forward I found, like I talked about previously tiny conscious efforts have helped me massively. 

Now this isn't something I have portrayed via my social media, death and loss isn't really something other people truly care about, harsh reality is that they really don't, people feel bad for me but it's not their life and thats ok, we often turn to blogs for inspiration and a place to escape realities. Not to be faced we such sad realities but I have learnt through writing about losing Mum it has given other people the comfort to know that there is life after death, cliche I know but I was blessed with an incredible mother who don't get me wrong had faults but without her I wouldn't be who I am and some people never have that sort of unconditional love in their life, so really I was blessed. 

As I lost that love and 2016 was a rough time, Fast forward to January of this year on a whim I went on a date with a bloke who I kinda fancied, but I wasn't really overly keen on getting into a relationship (god who would want to date an agoraphobic stressed mess who's main joy in life was watching history documentaries and drawing?) and anyone who knows me knows I have some pretty hilarious dating stories so I wasn't expecting much,  But one date lead to another and then it just fell into place. Don't get me wrong and if you ask him its not easy dating someone who occasionally bursts into tears for absolutely no reason, but because of him I feel a lot more like "me" these last eight months then I have felt since Mum's passing. I am pretty lucky to have found someone who is  rather good at absorbing my hard times and making me laugh. He's bought some security back into my life and when at times life feels a little stormy it's nice to have him at the other end of the phone. So yeah life does go on, it's a pretty harsh reality to get your head around and at times I still go to phone or text mum and then realise that she won't ever reply. But It's comforting to know she would be proud of what I've achieved since she's been away.

I don't think life is meant to be easy and I don't think easy is really for me, I like to feel like I've worked for all I have in this life and it's pretty much kept me going in the hard times, so if you are face with anything hard or you feel unsurpassable just know that things do get better, maybe not straight away but I believe that the human spirit is pretty unbreakable and nothing lasts forever, it's ok to struggle and bear your soul because from what I have learn't is you never know who's reading and may need to hear those words. 

I'm not 100% on the path I wish to be on, but I am edging closer to it day by day, I still have the lofty heights of saving enough to buy my own house, buying my first car and creating more important work but I have a fire in my belly this September that I am hoping will propel me to better things and that at the end of the day is all we can hope for in life. 

spare a thought

 I am currently heaping so much pressure upon myself that I feel that my brain may explode, I feel its the constant risk I run with being an over thinker. After a little catch up with Natasha who seems to be the only person in my life that can gauge any understanding on the inner workings of my creative mind, after bombarding her with a very stressful personal life issue cough cough court case cough we chatted openly about the pressures we face in our jobs but the pressures who having to have your shit together in life. 

Now let me be candid about this, I'm currently feeling like I'm failing at life, there I said it. I recently received a pretty lengthy message from a reader over on my Instagram talking abut being a fan of what I do. I was so flattered but at the same time at a loss for what to actually write back. I have no idea how I'm holding my life together, outward appearances would suggest it's a pretty nice life, and it is the majority of the time. But I don't have my shit together at all. 

Since turning 29 it's hit me a bit like a brick wall, the old biological clock is ticking, and hell I would make cute kids but you can't exactly turn to your boyfriend after 8 months and be like fancy it? the answer would be a panicked no but not just from him but from me. I'm creating this pressure from external sources, 95% of my mates have bought they're own home (they live outside of London) they're all pretty much engaged and either have kiddies on the way or a few. Now as Natasha pointed out they probably look at my life, of blog events and being my own boss and wish heck that sounds like fun, no need to change shitty nappies there but it's not all freebies and mingling with pretty people. I haven't made as much as I would of liked to this month, I'm chasing my ass and to top it off it's coming up to mum's 2 year anniversary since she passed so it means having to drag my sad ass outta bed to be my own boss. 

I think we all have lost sight of how life really works it's not through comparisons on a phone screen or beating ourselves up because others appear to be winning at life and we aren't I guess all we can do is be happy for those people bossing at their lives and then taking the time to evaluate ours and doing everything in our power to bring what we need into ours. It is pretty hard to remember on a daily basis that it is really about the journey and not the destination.  

I have so steadily come to the conclusion I might never feel fully satisfied, tonight I have the closing party of the Helmet project which is amazing and we are raising money for brain injuries and I am exhibiting along side the likes of Grayson Perry, Jake and dinos chapman and some of my favourite tattooist. Now if you were to say to me ten years ago that, that would be the case I would of felt like I had made it, but I guess I'm always pushing my goals but my worry is will I ever feel satisfied with the life I chose? Ah but anyway I guess the moral of the story is to be grateful for the place that I'm at withe people I have in my life and trust the process. 

Can we also just take the time to appreciate Natasha's Devine photography skills, I think these might just my favourite photos of me ever taken, I do really need to get back into my blogging game don't I?!

Outfit details, top is actually a dress from h&m, trousers are George at Asda, boots are dune and the jackets an old faux leather one from Zara 

What inspires me to draw?

I felt in recent months I have lost my way a tad when its come to my independent work, I've felt the weight of the internet and the endless scrolling and absorbing of everyone else successes and I've felt myself judging, second guessing and absorbing things that just aren't me. So I sat myself do whilst I was having a bit of an artist's block and really tried to figure out what keeps me drawing and inspired. 

No matter where I go in life or what I do work wise I always end up back being inspired by tattoos, probably my longest running obsession that and Beatrix potter strange combination I know, but anyway after feeling the weight of the Internet on my shoulders to create colour meaningful work I've felt a little lost. I decided to head back to what I know and love and thats tattoos, my sketchbooks have since I can remember been filled with scrolls, swallows, guitars and intricate line work, so I thought it was about time that I embraced those styles that I love and create some pretty meaningful pieces. 

I picked up this The Brothers Bray co gym style bag from a charity shop when out with Josie a few weeks ago I think for £6 and felt that it could be a little fun project to get me started. I decided to do a freehand script on the back of the bag and a free hand tiger's head I'm not 100% happy with the head but I do truly love it. I've just used standard Acrylic paint as once it's dried it's pretty stubborn to remove. 

I have some exciting plans for new products for my shop which is spurring me forward a few illustrated jackets, totes and pins and really throw myself back into creating good quality merchandise and possibly explore my love for handwriting and hand lettering, obviously it's not helped binging on 7 seasons of sons of Anarchy to inspire me to look at vintage Harley's and Triumps. It really has been nice to get back to my desk put some good music on and just create, I have a new set of prints coming out this week and a few of my old stock will be discontinued to make why for some fun new pieces. 

2017 the year of being more body positive

I have spent the day sulking, yep like a petulant child a day filled with naps and being hard on myself. You see I get like this from time to time and it's over the silliest thing... my weight. Yep that age old weight gain issue, I have managed in the last three years to loose 8 stone at my lightest I was around 8 stone (an unhealthy I might add 8 stone) I now currently sit at around 9 stone and that by no stretch of the imagination is heavy but the fear of becoming unhealthy and gaining weight has played on my mind.

I have recently found myself in a new and surprisingly wonderful relationship now if you're anything like me and have the ability to self sabotage a relationship at twenty paces can I get a high five! The main cause of this self sabotaging is because I deem myself as far too unattractive and chubby to be loved, now any of my mates were to utter such nonsense I would shake them until they came to realise how downright ridiculous that sounds, believe me I have tried to unthink those thoughts but a life time of self hatred and self loathing congers up such wonderful thoughts...and you no what I don't want to think like that anymore its silly and unhealthy.

Boots Public Desire 

A conscious decision was made around 6 months ago to reduce the amount of gym time I was inflicting on myself, five to six times a week I would head to the gym, calorie count and fear eating the wrong thing just in case it would make me feel guilty, this is where I sadly developed an eating disorder (I haven't openly spoken about this and in time I'll try) and I knew that my obsessive nature meant I was getting myself in a bad place, I took the drastic action of stopping my Marathon training my head wasn't in the right place. so now when I eat normally and exercise less of course I'm going to gain a few pounds here and there just for the sheer fact I am eating normally and not restricting myself.

I absolutely love eating, it's a fact and now I am with someone that tells me I'm beautiful as I am, and will happily devour an entire pizza with me is just a blessing in itself and it is slowly making me realise what should matter is as cliché as it sounds whats inside us that matters more then the size of out trousers or how many calories we've consumed that day. I need to realise that this body I have been given is an absolute blessing and stop thinking negatively about all my lumps and bumps, I have hang ups about my lack of boob but I have a good ass so really you can't have everything can you? I recently read a post by Chloe Plumstead over on The Little plum Were she talks about embracing her size and just being herself and this blog post completely resonated with me, and made me think why the hell should I feel guilty or hard on myself plus she an absolute goddess and I adore her sense of fashion so it gave me a wonderful little boost to read such wholesome words from a fellow female blogger.

So this year needs to be the year of embracing myself, my body and learning not to punish myself if I enjoy a nice curry with the boyfriend or having an extra cupcake and pushing through my anxieties and going to the gym at least three times a week and not worrying if I have a little chub here and there no one really cares.

Denim workshop with BooHoo

So the lovely ladies at Boohoo invited me down to Boohoo HQ to get out customisation on, we were given the option of three denim jackets in three different styles and colours, we were told we could customise one jacket with anything that was on the table, there were so many patches to choose from, pens, paints and sand paper.

There were a few lovely ladies who were designers for BooHoo that were distressing a few jackets and customising and showing the styles that we could create, I decided to roll up the sleeves and use some metal studs to give it a little rock chic vibe and also I hate wearing long sleeves, the  jacket I decided to opt for was a black long length denim jacket with a detachable fur collar, the night was really lovely because I was able to spend time with some new and old faces. We sat around sewing, ironing and painting while having a good gossip and we totally discussed our opinions on trump while sewing all the sassiest of quotes onto our jackets. Felt way more like a trendy WI meeting then a Blog event.

When I got home I wasn't 100% happy with what I had drawn on the back so I cut up the tote bag that the jacket came in and I got painting, I am a little obsessed with hands at the moment and I got doodling late into the night, I had patches and studs all along the front lapels but I removed these ready to be sewn and ironed on the back, it was lovely to be able to get back into customising something simple like a denim jacket and really anyone can create a really unique piece for cheap.

Why i'm a little in love with Bailey Nelson

As a kid I remember my mum wearing these massive classic 80's style glasses and always think gosh I wish my eyesight was shit so I could be like her?! Fast forward twenty years and my eyesight wasn't as bad as my mum's but I have the snazziest pair of glasses thanks to Bailey  Nelson. I've only ever really been able to afford the cheap pairs from other options nothing near as on trend and as stylish as the ones from Bailey  Nelson.

I'm always pretty nervous if I have to go to any appointment but as soon as I arrived at the spitalfields shop it felt really trendy and welcoming, the optician came out ( possibly the most stylish opticians I had ever seen) and was really calming and chatty. It turns out my eyes weren't as bad as I thought but my stigma was still there and I need them for drawing and reading. I opted for the Markova style with Yellow tortoise shell and I am a little bit in love with them. These are the only glasses I don't feel self conscious in, they fit me perfectly and they pretty much go with every outfit.

The glasses themselves with the lens in were £98 and the eye test I believe was around £20 and if like me you hate phoning anywhere I booked online making my anxieties reduce by about a million percent, these glasses and the experience were value for money and the wide choice of stylish affordable frames is pretty good, I was able to collect my new glasses within days, and I was genuinely excited about wearing them, as soon as I jumped on the train home I popped them on and started reading.