a sneak peek inside my new art

 More and more recently I have been finding my work developing in a certain way that I am really pleased with. As long as I can remember I have been obsessed with tattoos and the culture around tattoos, I've been blessed with a few close friends in the industry and they're constantly sharing their work that inspires me so much. Slowly my style is developing I am happily working in my watercolours again,  2017 was spent grasping at different styles and ideas and I never really felt I was onto something good.  I see the way that I work as a journey, constantly learning new skills, styles and ideas. I receive a lot of messages from people saying how refreshing it is an illustrator to see me not just work in one style and constantly evolve the work I am creating, I promise that is not intentional its just the way I've always worked. 

I never shy away from artistic blocks, even though I hate them with ever fibre of my being as artists we have to go through them to push ourselves to seek a new direction in our art. 

I haven't bought a cohesive collection of new art work out in about 5 years, my bearded men got me known in the illustration world but I feared being pigeon holed, looking back at my naïvety on this I wasn't being pigeon holed I was being known for a style. I often run away from this idea, seeing myself as an Artist it can be very stifling to be trapped doing the same old same old when all you want to do is create things for yourself in a style that helps you feel free, because isn't that what being an Artist is all about?  

The favourite part of my job is having the ability to think of something that you desperately need to draw, imagine it and then make it come to life on the paper. Sometimes it isn't as successful as you hope but never the less you created something from nothing and that makes me so excited to think of all the things I am yet to create or to see other artists create. 

So I am hoping to get my new collection of illustrations out in to the world January, they will come in the form of cards, totes, pins, cups you name it I'm hoping to get illustrated. I NEED to take the shop in a new direction after nearly 1000 portraits being painted over Christmas I don't want to put that kind of pressure on myself ever again and I just want to deal with stock from now on. Its not I wont be painting portraits but these wont be readily available in my shop but via email. Anyway enough rambling before this year ends I had better crack on with all the new work I need to get making! 

Secrets to success in 2018

Lets talk business, I do relatively quite well as a business owner we aren't talking millions, but each year I have steadily made myself more then the year before. But I've never really taken what I do for a living really seriously, never written a business plan, never truly budgeted and you know what never really aimed for a target profit. Nope and you know what it wasn't until recently that I realised the women that I call friends and peers are just literally owning what they do. I see them in Tv adverts, gracing amazing campaigns, doing all this kick ass stuff and then I realise that I am amongst these women, maybe not signing book deals or getting those Tv commercials but I feel like I'm working towards better things. 

It only dawned on me tonight seeing these incredible women forging a space and carving their own niche that there isn't anything really stopping me from making my voice heard, my work reach a bigger audience and succeeding in the year to come. 

I am a self sabotage kinda girl at heart and I think of a million things that could go wrong and often dismiss the thought that actually what if it goes right what then? My genuine fear is that one day I'll be discovered as the fraudster I am I can't really draw and I'm not as funny as I think I am!? Its obviously complete bulls**t I tell myself to mask the fact I'm terrified I might actually succeed at life and prove the haters wrong. As I sit anxious and stressed spilling my woes to the ever compassionate Natasha I realise that I am endlessly hard on myself. It's silly really I never ever take credit for the majority of my success and chalk things down to oh it could of been better, I rushed that, I didn't make enough, constant negative rather then telling myself I am proud I'm always moving forward to the next order, the next drawing. Its been a reflective few days for me, but I am making strides on where I want to be in my future as a person as well as in my work. I am a self sabotage kinda girl at heart and I think of a million things that could go wrong and often dismiss the thought that actually what if it goes right what then? My genuine fear is that one day I'll be discovered as the fraudster I am I can't really draw and I'm not as funny as I think I am!? Its obviously complete bulls**t I tell myself to mask the fact I'm terrified I might actually succeed at life and prove the haters wrong. 

As I sit anxious and stressed spilling my woes to the ever compassionate Natasha I realise that I am endlessly hard on myself.

It's silly really I never ever take credit for the majority of my success and chalk things up to "oh it could of been better", "I rushed that, I didn't make enough, constant negative rather then telling myself I am proud I'm always moving forward to the next order, the next drawing. Its been a reflective few days for me, but I am making strides on where I want to be in my future as a person as well as in my work. 

I managed to be trusted this year with the likes of Starbucks, stylist live, we built the city and skinny dip to name a few fronting live illustration at large event and actually getting to call myself an artist when most of the 4 year of self employment I've just been vague about what it is that I do. I grew some major confidence alongside Sophie as we faced our bare face fears and talked about our acne troubles on a BBBC Three campaign which can I just say was way out of my comfort zone and completely terrifying.  It really is all the little things that build up to a successful career, I realise that now. Its the endless peddling and pushing yourself in the right direction. Something that really I hadn't thought of previously. 

Now I am going to do something I don't think I have ever done on the internet I am going to write out my work bucket list for 2018 this solely for me, but I figured if I dreamt it up and put it out into the world maybe it would make me work for it, more fixed rather then in my fear addled brain. 

- I want to bring out a series of Ecourses / Ebooks on painting with watercolours

- Reach 1000 subscribers on Youtube 

- Illustrate for 5 Magazines  

- secure 2 magazine covers

- Work 5 new live illustration events 

- Bring out new stock of cards, pins, totes, prints and tees 

- Illustrate a book 

- Start writing my own book

- Have work ready for wholesale and stocked in 5 stores.

Dream clients for 2018

Anthropologie, Dr Marten, Waterstones, Penguin, Stylist Magazine, NME, Oh Comely magazine, Frankie, Flow Magazine, Boohoo and so Many more but I wanted to manifest this and give myself something to work towards. It has really put the fire back in my belly to truly make my business work. Its a hard slog to make an insane amount being a freelance illustrator, but I have the blessing of my blog, and shop to keep my ambitions going in the slow months of work. For me its all about making each element work to its best and for me to slowly learn to take pride in my achievements when they happen. As well as obviously learning my from my mistakes to build a stronger me. 

learning to be more grateful

Life has been a little odd recently, pretty unpredictable and a little uncertain I have been finding my Mental health spiralling a little as I struggle grasping late nights of work, early mornings and the general hardships of life while my partner is away overseas. As Christmas fast approached I juggled far too much work (completely my fault) and it had an impact. Seemingly little things before that I wouldn't of cared less about were getting me down and more and more recently the impact of social media and the picture perfect life has had a negative impact on how I see myself. 

My Christmas Day was a rough one of being sick due to gastric flu or food poising god knows and my Boxing Day was spent alone doing my tax return, I never once ate a roast potato or even defrosted the nut roast that sits all lonely and unloved in my freezer. It sucked and if people have asked me out right how great my Christmas was I remarked it was shit, but then again I watched some great Tv and my younger brother made the wonderful effort of finding me the Lightbox I had been after on Amazon for the longest time, so it was alright I guess.

I've never really been given that much in the way of gifts, never sort wanting much but for some god knows reason I forget this at Christmas, everyones Instagram stories filled with laughing hoards of families, endless presents stacked high and boundless positive tweets about being truly spoilt. Its never beens something I have experienced in my life and does it get to me? am I jealous? I am a little I guess and often I forget to realise these are the wonderfully edited parts of peoples lives, the parts they wish for you to ogle at, the parts they push to the forefront. We all do it, we don't share the fact your parents probably argued about the lack of spare chairs they've been meaning all year to hunt out for the in laws or the fact that the annoying uncle is pissed again by 11 am. 

It is often hard to take this approach of seeing these moments as peoples polished versions of their lives and as I said there is nothing wrong with that, but as someone who has been on social media for a decade I am a little bored of how it affects my self worth and I wanted to let other people know they aren't alone. I think I cried about 8 times Boxing Day, not the sort thats a slight tear or sniffle, they were more Kim kardasian ugly cries. I was 4 cries deep by mid day, and whilst sorting through receipts for the tax return I came across the speech I had written for my mothers funeral, and bam! ugly cry number 5 hit me. I was hit with a wave of emotions and god knows why I re read it, (safe to say it was still as shit as I'd remembered ha!) since my mothers death I have learnt the bitterness that can be felt from one mourning person to a seemingly unscathed other human being, this emotion is what hit me most. Why was I the 20 something daughter left without a mother to celebrate Christmas with. When I look about me all I see is happy mother/daughters on Boxing Day walks, getting pissed on prosseco together and endless images of them sale shopping hand in hand (might of made that part up ha!). Those selfish uncaring bastards how dare they flaunt their aliveness while I didn't have mine. This thought was a fleeting few seconds but it was hard to cope with as I squirrelled away the heartfelt note and pushed that ugly cry down and cracked on with my expenses for July 2016. I'm very good at ugly crying for 30 seconds and then picking myself up and getting on with life its probably not the healthiest but its got me through some pretty rough experiences.

I am often ashamed of how much hate I can find my heart harbouring when all you see and hear people say is you SHOULD root for and support others, I do fully but also at the same time that shits exhausting and I just want to wallow in my own emotions for at leat 10 minutes a day. I selfishly spent most of my day texting my boyfriend who is 4,000 miles away with genuinely how I felt and as someone who doesn't grasp mental health or the death of a mother very well you can imagine we clashed rather a lot, he tries his hardest but I'm a mixed bag of emotions ha! 

I guess I thought in my younger years as I approach my 30th year that I would have Christmas locked down with a couple of kids and a house of my own with a husband and all that guff and I knock myself endlessly for not meeting my partner sooner but what good do those thoughts ultimately do? what good are thoughts that really I have zero control over. My boyfriend is always right about stuff like this but its never the easiest to hear when you're having a hard time when all around you people have bought their first house and you're still shacked up saving for a deposit at a parents house working your butt off doing freelance work. Its hard to remain positive. After my 8th and hardest ugliest cry of my boxing day I turned to my trusty friend google. I type the first thing that came into my head. How to be more grateful for what I already have in life. God knows why I did, never thought about it before and as I started to read I realised that maybe I had been looking at things completely wrong.

It wasn't really an enlightening moment but if I stopped being just 10% less negative about myself maybe I could work towards the things I really want and enjoying what I have right now. So I was already sorting new stock in my notebook and I started to jot down what I had been grateful for on that day. If I fleetingly thought about it, I would of just gone eff all, shit day lets look forward to tomorrow. But I started writing and a few things flowed out that I was grateful for my seemingly saint like boyfriend no matter how hard I am on myself always sees the best in me. I was grateful that I had stopped throwing up, that I got to play in puddles with my nephew that morning. That I had a bed and a roof over my head and I had many sales in my shop that day. It wasn't an eureka moment as such just a little shift in how I thought about things. I suppose ultimately thats the most important thing, when you're in the self loathing hole of hatred towards yourself, bitterness towards others just realising that by god others have it a million times worst then you is really important. Others do have have it a million times better then you but hey but we have to make the best of what we have been handed and I am going to work with what I have so I can be more grateful, less self absorbed, more positive and thankful and ultimately that realisation to me is more important than any real gift I could of unwrapped on Christmas morning. 

As a new year approaches we often can get a little overwhelmed with the "new year new me" thing and we are cynical but why the hell not, just try to do a few little things not to be a new person but to try and be a better person then you were the year before. I'm going to do my best to stop putting myself down that I'm not 100% there with a deposit on a house. I'm going to try and be less bitter over the death of my beloved mother, I had 27 years of wonderful memories with her. I'm going to try and panic less that my ovaries aren't going to dry up and shrivel in my 30th year. I'm going to try and be far more grateful for the things in life and really take the time to realise how hard I work and how much thats down to the fact I am good at what I do and I have so many wonderful supporters and lovers of my work but also I guess I probably should spend some of my 2018 in therapy! 

Can love be found on Tinder

Jumper - H&M

Jeans - Boohoo

Fishnet tights - Primark 

Necklace - Handmade by me 

I have been reflecting on life recently,  I was on and off Tinder for about 3 years having had a string of failed acquaintances in that time and I'm pretty sure hundreds of dates that ended in ghosting, lets downs and boredom. After all those years I didn't have very high hopes for the app that pretty much had a reputation for hook ups and free meals. So after a solid three years I was kind of done with the whole dating thing, most of my mates had settled down with their partners and in many ways I wanted this and would always make myself feel like I had failed as I hadn't found myself "the one" I had so many people tell me that Tinder wasn't the place for real and proper relationships and I still tend to agree and at times I just felt that I had got lucky with my boyfriend. 

I'll take you back to early January last year, I had been seeing someone who I genuinely ended up hating and just made me angry whenever I saw him this ended after a few months and the relief I felt was amazing I blocked him and vowed to myself I wouldn't bother speaking to anyone else. That night I had a message from a guy (my now boyfriend) that pleasant and we chatted. I think both of us were pretty bored of the app, I made barely any effort to fully reply as I had promised myself I wouldn't make the effort. A day or two would go by before I would reply to him occasionally I got the "have I done something wrong message" I felt bad so we arranged a date on the Friday his shift patterns meant that it couldn't be sooner. Anyway Friday bowls up and I want to bail. I had had so many dates in the past where it was a complete waste of make up and effort, I didn't need a confidence boost or reason to leave the house. So I text saying I felt off, I could tell after the week of chatting he was disappointed, so I decided to make one last effort. 

I don't do fancy dates, I feel uncomfortable dressed up, so I was glad when we decided on a rubbish little pub where we could just chat and have something to eat, I'm pretty sure it was just us in the pub, which always adds an air of awkwardness but I didn't even really notice. He was hilarious and ate pizza like a child and we chatted for so long that the car almost got locked in the car park. I don't remember much of our next two dates, just endless giggling, chatting and general niceness, but on the third he asked me out. Its always really funny to be asked out as an adult but it was sweet.

I had no faith in Tinder or maybe just the men that I matched with, was it a right swipe at the right time?! who knows, the past 11 months have been a bit of a blur, and I have had some really hard times and doubtful moments and now I feel I don't know what I would do without him. I hadn't really ever been with anyone that could withstand my really down days, or someone that just fully trusts me like he does. I swear the fact he's northern completely changed everything for me, I dated guys from London and to them women were easy to come by on tinder, quick hook ups nothing with any real meaning, but it was nice that we both made the effort and had kind of got to the point we were both bored of our loneliness and decided we were just about tolerable as a couple, ha! 

This isn't a soppy declaration that I'm in this happy bubble all loved up, its not true. I am in love but he is over 4,000 miles away for our first Christmas together, our first New Years, valentines and first year anniversary and Im pretty sure when my brain isn't being distracted I miss him every 15 seconds.  The main thing for me is I like who I've become since I've dated him, I'm still occasionally a handful, with bouts of depression but even knowing he's one text away settles me. I'm working through my trust issues that I have accumulated over many years of being cheated on and made to feel worthless but it doesn't feel overly like too much effort. At times I annoy him with the typical lets be more committed shit, but things happen for people at different rates and I have to remember this. I still find it unbelievably embarrassing that we met on Tinder, hopefully It will kind of be normal soon but not many people ask anymore. 

It truly is hard and takes a hell of a lot of courage to put yourself out there, I wasn't actively searching for love, but I wanted to find myself someone who made me happy and someone I could waste my Sundays with. Everyone deserves to be loved, if online dating isn't for you, thats fine I wasn't the biggest fan but you never know. I am only a month into this long distance thing its tough but most of the toughest things are worth working hard for. I've packed up his Birthday and Christmas present in hopes that it arrives soon so he feels somewhat loved. Heres to another three months away from each other and to anyone wallowing in the depth of tinder wondering where have all the good matches gone believe there are still some goodies out there to be found.