time

Where is the time going, it has been a month since I shared the sad news about my mother passing and with that my old life, it's been an odd sensation obviously one I've never truly experienced before, don't get me wrong I have enjoyed moments within this time, hanging out with friends, laughing with my boyfriend and being around family. Moments my mum would of been proud of, me having my exhibition at Tatty Devine, watching Teddy take his first steps, his first tooth, me hitting my goal weight, and simple moments that we often over look. 

It's been an absolutely horrendous time but with this I have built up a barrier of numbness, one that even if I wanted to shake off I couldn't, my brain seems to be protecting me fully from the upset and hurt that comes with the loss of such a wonderful human. I have nightmares, vivid ones of my mother, they're only nightmares as I am reliving that morning for the millionth time in my mind, I'm hoping my brain will slowly adapted it so I somehow forget, how wonderful would that be?! I haven't slept a full night since, can't wait for the day I have nice dreams again. I know they will come in time.

I didn't want this piece of writing to be sad, just a true reflection on moments in my life, it's been tough and will probably be like this for aslong as I can think, but I'm not sad, I'm oddly at peace with things in life. I have forgiven myself a lot more for certain things, I have learned that being fearless and being alone is a good way to be. I managed my exhibition with the help of the wonderful Jazmine alone, where once stood my mothers encouraging words now stands my memories and gut instinct, something I didn't think I truly had in me, something I don't think we have to truly rely on until nothing else is left, until we are forced to stand for ourselves and I am learning that it's ok to fuck up sometimes. I hated myself for a while because my diet slipped, I was proud of what I had achieved, my diet was one of those but what I realised is that it's OK to want to eat your feelings, sometimes a bit of comfort food is good for the soul.

I haven't given myself time to mourn, its hard when everything you see at home reminds you of that person, this all happened outside my bedroom door, so it feels like mourning for me hasn't been an option, well its odd I don't feel like I have needed I just feel by getting on with things is the best way I cope and coping is ok for a while I guess. I'm learning to live with a big old whole in my heart, that's it really, I am truly learning for once, how to be ok with myself and that she was right about everything. So life lately has been tough and hard but then again we are tough and hard with moments of light and happiness and we struggle to deal with things because we are human. 

So in light of everything one thing I want my readers to know is that no matter how hard things seem, there is always a voice, strength a guide within you so you aren't unable to cope, it may feel like you can't or you find things tough and like me I have felt like there isn't a point to trying, there is, there is always a point, no matter how weak we are feeling, tomorrow is a new day and we bring our own hope and light were ever we go. 

New work from Ella Masters studio

Finally some new work to be proud of, I have been working on some new pieces to add to the shop that are heart felt and that make me smile so I have come up with some new fun prints to adorn walls and toilets.

My recent work is inspired by Victorian art and my love of tattoos I've combined the two to create the darkest pieces in my portfolio when I say darkest I just mean in colour. You can now find originals and Prints. 

 There is a lot more fab work to come and I have had some really wonderful support from my readers on here and on Instagram and wonderful kind words from friends and family. Proceeds made from my print sale will go towards running my Marathon in memory of mum.

changing room adventures

I weirdly enjoy snapping photos of myself in changing rooms, I'm pretty adamant the mirrors in shops make me look slimmer. I decided about three weeks ago to lift my spending ban hooray I did decide that I would only buy a few items a month that would be my staples. I am now a size 8 and for a while a lot of my clothing didn't fit me anymore so the shopping trip were much needed not to mention having to hunt out a funeral outfit for my mum. Two of my favorite purchases recently have been my two tone primark jumper (which I can't seem to find online) and and my Zara faux leather jacket, its really nice to treat yourself occasionally. I am slowly learning again that documenting the mundane is something that I love doing, who else loves taking a changing room selfie?

Life lately loosing my mother

So a few of you may have seen on Instagram, that sadly on Wednesday my dear mother passed away. It was in horrendous and heart breaking circumstances and I was in two minds if I should make it public on my blog (my blog has been part of my life for nearly nine years) but as you can imagine my mother was a massive part of my life, my best friend and my rock so when I found her last Monday my heart sunk.

I can not fault the ambulance service and the hospital that took care of mum whilst she was sick. Before Mum passed away I decided to run the London Marathon for Asthma Uk, which was very close to my heart, I personally have suffered from Asthma since I was a baby. Mum suffered a severe Asthma attack that after a lack of oxygen to the brain for only 3 seconds left her with Brain damaged so I am running in memory of her. I would love it if you could sponsor me even if it is a few pounds it would mean the world to me. All proceeds I make in my shop will also be going towards raising much needed funds for such a worth while cause.

I don't have much more to say as it is such a personal and heart breaking journey that me and my family must now take,  but thank you to everyone who has wished us well, sent us love and kind words.