Life can be a right shitter can't it?! you know some days I really can't be arsed to get out of bed let alone face the day with any sort of positive vibe. Its a struggle when you've got depression and anxieties weighing down on you. I give myself daily pep talks that I will nail sales today, I will get all my orders done or even talk myself round to going to the gym, because without a voice of support and guidance those depressive thoughts can get the better of you. Now I know my job isn't crazy demanding in the way that I have to clock in and talk to a boss on daily basis but I have to still to my own schedule, pack my own orders, do all my work admin and still somehow participate in family things, friendships and general everyday functions like going to the gym and eating right. I'm not going to lie since Ben's been away over 9 weeks now, I've seen a handful of friends and the others just seen to drop me vague messages of hope you're coping I couldn't live without my partner for a day.
It gives me flash backs to the weeks after my Mum died, these people would avoid texting me, bailing on coffee dates and only want to talk to me when they needed my help or felt obliged to drop me the occasional "I have no idea how you're coping you're braver then me." You have no idea unless you've experienced a loss that those kind of words hit you in the gut every time. Its not hard to imagine losing someone you're close to its not hard to imagine being away from a partner for 4 months, its jut a lazy response and its frustrating to say the least, I have spoken about It in the past and how word and conversations like that are really negative.
The last two and half years life has really thrown me some curve balls, varying from domestic violence court cases, a mothers death, stolen money, business stresses and a personal cancer scare. All these troubles have made me very hard nosed and I guess rather selfish, less compassionate and I find it hard to relate to people who have been handed things simply and easily in life. Don't get me wrong I'm sure they've had a few of life stresses thrown at them, but its made me be more practical in the friendships and love I dish out.
But I guess you could look at it positively its made me fiercely independent with everything in my life. I no longer text certain friends for advice I go with my gut and just do it. I don't wait around for someone to go out with me I go alone, I'm less incline to second guess myself as I've become able to rely on my gut. I try now to no longer spend my time annoyed that they don't understand, I don't instantly reply to their messages, I take my time, as I have found my time is more important then the demands of someone who doesn't make the effort for me, I'm still riddled with anxieties over this way of doing things, but something has to change. I chose to spend my energy on the people that have shown me unwavering love in the last few years. I love myself more and try my hardest to beat myself up less. All I can do is control my reaction to the situation, I can't control the person treating me badly.
I feel people serve a purpose in our life for a reason, I'm slowly learning that sometimes we grow apart and its ok to put our wants and need before these toxic people because it only makes us feel like worst. I beat myself up for not being able to relate to their petty issues, petty is probably a harsh word but we will go for it for now. To them these issues may seem like mountains to over come but life has been pretty hard and I guess its all circumstantial. I am learning to be more patient and trying to slowly become more understanding but its tough when you've pretty much been dealing with everyday alone for nearly three years. I guess we can't always relate to the people in our lives and thats ok, when the gap widens to an extent that a bridge can no longer be built to aid the friendship maybe putting yourself first my lessen the blow. Don't spend 2018 fuelling friendships and love that become to much like hard work.
